Thursday, April 26, 2012

My Own Mortality Scares the Shit out of Me

So I was just spending some quality time with my favorite Internet site, and I came across a picture of a woman lurking on reddit. The picture and the title made me remember how much I fear some dark evenings alone while lying in bed. She was a young woman, diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer... aka, she's going to die. I cried over this picture. Granted my biological clock is on the fritz, but it isn't just that. It is sad, her life is going to end very soon and it hit all too close to home.

I am not afraid of my emotions nor looking like a fool, so let me tell you all how utterly freaked out I get sometimes while laying in my bed alone at night. Death freaks me out beyond belief when I sit and think about it. Life is so fragile and it can be taken from us at any moment by circumstances out of our control. I don't like it. I don't like the idea of being a healthy, active, 31 year old right now and in 6 months being diagnosed with some form of cancer that is going to kill me because it progressed too far because I thought that ache was just me trying too hard at some random activity I do.

I do my part with my body to stay healthy. I eat organically whenever I can to limit my exposure to cancer-causing pesticides. I don't eat much meat, I prefer not to eat any but sometimes it happens. I don't drink cow's milk anymore, I exercise, I wear sunscreen now, blah blah blah and yet I am positive that I still have no control over what my colon is going to do in a few months.

I don't want to die and truthfully, I've had enough of my loved ones dying early and unexpectedly on me to last a lifetime. I don't like how we have so little control over environmental factors that essentially play a part in our overall demise. I don't like that the government controls the level of pollution that is acceptable for us all to be exposed to. I don't like that the majority of the human population must buy food from farmers who saturate their meat with growth hormones, antibiotics, and are fed pesticide soaked produce. The produce is no better, it is covered in pesticides that get into the fruit and we ingest it. These things are toxins, they cause cancer and the bottom line is more important than our health. The cost benefit is just too high to not use pesticides and growth hormones.

I just wanted you all to know that I am feeling particularly morbid today about my own demise and dying alone. I don't want to get cancer and have to go through that ordeal. I don't want to waste away slowly, my body destroying itself from the inside out, my insurance not covering all the treatments so my loved ones would have to supplement just to keep me alive. *&%^ing Insurance companies... a rant for another day.  

I want you all to enjoy your days, every single day... not just the good ones. Cherish the fact that you have them. Quit waiting around for things to happen to you, you are not getting any younger. Spend more time with loved ones, do things you love, do things that invigorate you and inspire you, quit working your ass off at a job that doesn't matter in the end.


I'm skipping out of work early to go bike riding with people that I enjoy spending time with.


Oh, a cancerous colon for you too:

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