Thursday, July 18, 2013

I Don't See the Point. :/

I'm not normally a person to sit around and wonder what the point of life is. I tend to be the more energetic type that always wants to have fun, never wants to sit still, and has a very optimistic outlook on life. I'm still feeling rather optimistic at this moment in time, but the last few days I have not been able to help myself with wondering what the point of all this is.

This could all relate back to that pesky biological clock of mine... as I have no children, because I have heard that having children gives people meaning to their lives. Seeing as there are no children in my immediate future (who knows, I might decide to have one someday), I'm wondering if that really is the only way to find meaning. I know I can volunteer my time and I have, but even still... is my sole way of finding satisfaction with this planet to give all of my time to others? I suppose then I will be so busy that I don't have time or energy to wonder what the point of life is.

I'm not depressed, I'm actually rather happy. I'm not going to remove myself from this world as I don't believe there are any others. I'm just going to downsize my life because I don't see what the point of having all this "stuff" is anymore. I'm probably not going to go for a doctorate when my Masters is complete because I don't see the point of it. I don't see the point of staying friends with people that I don't really care about in the first place, they just take time away from people I do care about. I don't see the point in holding onto grudges or weird feelings anymore because they are just a waste of time from a life that I don't see the point of.

People always spew some bullshit about "live your best life" and "YOLO" and all this other inspirational bullshit that is meant to pull you up by your boot-straps and encourage you, but I think that those people are incredibly shallow people. I think they are able to spew some bullshit because they don't actually ever sit and wonder what the point of life is. Their brains don't have the capacity to think about something other than celebrity culture, haute couture, and reality TV as they pretend that their life is one big "adventure." Or the opposite, the religious types with their beliefs that they are living their lives to end up in heaven... and then what? So you get to heaven and do what? You live there forever in the clouds drinking Mai Thai's sitting next to Allah?? Well what the fuck is the point of that? I don't like Mai Thai's, I don't like sitting around, and I don't like being happy all the time. Some times I like being angry and some times I really like screaming cuss words at the top of my lungs in my car.

I think I need to go on some spiritual journey that involves sitting under a tree - starving myself, or something along those lines so that I can find the meaning of life... or at least starve myself into hallucinations because I feel like this is all a bunch of bullshit.

Friday, July 12, 2013

The Amanda Show

A good friend recently told me "you're not a sideline kinda girl, you're the fucking star of the show and no one has the right to take your shine away." It was in response to something that hurt my feelings pretty good and I can't thank her enough for that advice. I am not a sideline kind of girl - yet I allowed myself to be sat on the bench. It annoys the shit out of me when people trivialize my life and place absolutely zero value on me as a person, not even bothering to listen to what I have to say. She went on to say "dumb is different than trusting and you're the latter my friend."

These two lines helped me so immensely that I felt a blog needed to be dedicated to her. So here's to you, my dear friend. I am so grateful to have you in my life and for you to have my back. You know who you are because only you can use the word "fucking" in the same message where a picture of an elegant pair of espadrilles from Nordstrom's reside and have it sound classy as fuck. :) (I'm from New York, I swear a lot. Deal with it. They are just words and words only have meaning when you let them have meaning.)

She's right. I am too trusting. I trust people immediately and almost 100% of the time thinking that they have my best interest at heart as I actually do have theirs because I am not a douchebag, I care about people and their well being. I make excuses for people and always try to see their potential rather than the evidence that is presented before me of their true intention. I am turning a leaf though. I'm not doing this anymore as of right........... now. I am going to start basing my opinion on a persons actions rather than how I see them, because again... she is right. I'm the fucking star of a show, it's called The Amanda Show and in case you didn't know, it's about this girl who has been known to be an asshole once or twice in her life when people have deserved it.

The lesson to be learned here is that I am a terrible judge of people and my judgment should be questioned, as this judgment had been many times by a few people, and I just made excuses. On the upside, I am exceptionally talented at making really fucked up people appear to be god-like to other people by my ability to rationalize away how fucked up they really are.

I'm not answering questions about this matter either as she also told me "You don't have to answer and you damn sure don't have to explain yourself!!!" So I'm not explaining myself, I'm writing a cryptic blog that most of you won't understand unless you are close to me, and I'm moving on from a fucked up situation where I have been side-lined. Not because I don't care (I care too much and it is affecting me negatively), but because I am Ray fucking Lewis, I'm a starter not a bench warmer.

**Disregard the fact that Ray Lewis is retired**