Wednesday, August 29, 2012

The Family We Lose Along the Way

I was on Facebook today when a friend suggestion popped up that caught my attention. It was my little brother, Brandon. Of course I clicked on it to Facebook Stalk him and it struck me as odd, because I felt like I was looking at a strangers profile. My brother and I have never been close, even as children we fought to the point of blood, cracked ribs, and throat punches. Our values do not align at all and for this reason, we have found it incredibly difficult to have a relationship.

When we were children my mother would make us hold hands while sitting on the floor because she knew there was nothing more repulsive to the two of us than to have to touch and pretend that we loved each other. Many years ago I allowed my brother to come live with me in Baltimore when he was 18, in an attempt to get him out of the small town we grew up in and to get him away from the drugs that had been part of his life since he was 11. During this very tumultuous time is when we both decided that we did not really care if we were in each others adult life.

Even in our later 20's we would fight like we were kids still. There was one night in our mid-20's that we got into a fight and I was chasing him down the street, kicking him. This was after he punched me in the face and gave me a bloody nose. As the years passed, he started popping kids out with a couple random women and I tried really hard to get over the issues that him and I had for the sake of his children... well really, just one of his children; however, it never worked out between him and I. The fighting and arguing continued until about 2 years ago, when I threw in the towel and gave up. I no longer cared what happened to him or his life. I was exhausted, I was hurt, and I felt used. 

It makes me sad in a way because this is a person that I spent 13 years of my childhood with. We built things together, we played together, we tried to kill each other, all very bonding moments in a child's life. I don't know how we both fell so far from each other when we fell from the same tree, but he rolled in one direction and I rolled into a very different direction a world away.

I sat and looked at these pictures of him on Facebook and I barely recognize him. Life has not been kind to him. The drugs and alcohol have taken its toll on him. I see his eyes and recognize those, but that really is it. His teeth no longer resemble the straight Chicklet like teeth that he had when he was younger that brought all the girls calling, he has lost a lot of his hair, and his eyes are incredibly old and weathered.

We all get to choose the path we take in life, but I can't help being sad about the path he chose. I loved him once, and I suppose deep down inside of me I still have some love for him; however, the years of him going in and out of prison and drug abuse have calloused my heart when it comes to dealing with him. For many years now I have expected a phone call in the middle of the night saying that he is dead, but luckily it has not come so far.

In the case of my brother, I can't help but wonder about nature vs. nurture. I feel very much that my brother is a product of nature, whereas I am a product of nurture.

Thursday, August 16, 2012


I'm at this age where my body wants me to decide if it wants children and I seem to be stumped. When I think about it, I keep telling myself that I'm still young and that I have plenty of time. I tell myself that I can have a baby at 40, maybe then I will be ready to give everything up to rear children. I'm just not sure if I will be. I really enjoy being able to do whatever I want to do all the time. I enjoy being able to blow all the money I make on things I want to do, and just eat PB&J for two weeks if I have to. (not that I do this, but I could if I wanted to)

My life is so full and so busy all the time, that I just don't understand how there is time to have children and to still have time for a life of my own. Not to mention... I work incredibly hard for the body I have, I'm not sure I want to lose it all to have a baby. I know that sounds vain, but I have a pretty solid body and I enjoy seeing my abs on a daily basis. If I have a baby, they are going to be gone... forever.

Shall we bring up the fact that I'm not even remotely close to being in a stable relationship. After the weekend I just had, I am even further from a relationship than I was 6 days ago. On Thursday, last week, I thought I knew what I wanted in a partner, as of today I know EXACTLY what I want in a partner and it is completely different than what it was on Thursday of last week. I've got mad love for a chiseled jaw all of a sudden, and a man that isn't afraid of life, and it potentially knocking him the eff out in the process. A man with no hangups, no reservations, and NO BAGGAGE.

Truly, the only reason I see to have children from my perspective is: a) narcissism, I'm curious what they will look like and how my mothering skills would be b) to not die alone. When I get around babies, I want to cuddle with them and pinch their little chunk-a-dunk thighs but I also enjoy giving them back 20 minutes later when I lose interest.

Who knows where all this is going to end up. I'm very much in the air about the prospect of ever having children, there is a possibility of it, but there is also a big possibility of it not happening. Either way is fine, if I change my mind adoption is always a viable option. I should be thinking about more important things right now, like the fact that I have a new Cannondale RZ 120 with a Lefty fork in my truck right now calling my name. Calling my name to come caress it, ride it, smother it in mud... oh my god the idea of that bike excites me more than the prospect of children. For now, I shall continue to be the coolest Aunt on the planet.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Tough vs. Strong

I have learned that you can be strong and not be tough... and you can be tough without being strong. They are mutually exclusive. One is a physical attribute while the other is a mental attribute, yet sometimes they are fused together when initially meeting a person. You see big beefy men with pecks that you want to motorboat the shit out of, so you assume they are tough... but they can't function in life without help; therefore, they are strong but not tough. As of late, I have met some suck-ass, weak people. They appear to be strong and they put up the appearance that they are tough, but in reality they are not. I am always so disappointed when this happens.

I hate to use the cliche/hipster scenario of a zombie apocalypse, but seriously... if there was an apocalypse there would be a lot of physically strong people who will die very early on because they have absolutely zero mental toughness. They are not able to adapt and move forward, so essentially they fail to evolve; however, because of the modern advances in technology and medicine they have not died off already. Instead, they continue to waddle through life. Ultimately our world is now filled with a bunch of people who should have technically died off rather quickly after being weened from their mother's breast.

As a whole, I feel like our society is getting weaker and less capable of dealing with life, or so it appears. Don't get me wrong, there are still some serious bad asses out there but they are definitely the minority. 

I feel like mental toughness is something that is dying as our society progresses into a more lush lifestyle and the Kardashian's take over the land of entertainment and education for our world's children. Before you know it Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton are going to be opening their own education system to teach young girls how to give the perfect blow job... so they can grow up to be JUST LIKE THEM... rich, famous, vapid creatures that really are good at nothing more than the sex tapes they are famous for.

Ahh well... as for me?? You better bet your ass if I come across one of these people during the zombie apocalypse I'll be scraping the adipose tissue from their skin to deep fry my food in and to make soap. I need to get a copy of Fight Club on VCR so that I have instructions in the post-apocalyptic world to make soap from fat.