I went to Atlantic City this past weekend to celebrate the birthday of my friend with my favorite group of people. Always a good time to be had when I am with them. A few key players were not able to join us, but that is OK... we still had an awesome time. On Saturday night, we decided to go to dinner and go out afterward... we ended up in a club with Bruno Mars, whoever the f*ck that is... but he was there and EVERYONE else in the club was really excited by that fact. It seemed our group was the only ones who associate Bruno Mars with a plastic horse and not as a pop artist with a top 40 hit.
By 2 am, we had ended up in the 40 oz bar, showing our beer guts to each other, sticking Blanche and Ethyl into a mounted shark's mouth, and me dancing all by myself. Some Asian girl named Linda from DC eventually came over to talk to me and asked me which one of the boys was my boyfriend, I said none of them and somehow we ended up going to dance together. While her and I were out on the dance floor trying to bust a move to some terrible house music (house music ALWAYS sucks, I don't care where you are at... house music sucks) she kept asking me why a girl like me was single (maybe she was hitting on me?), I said I was single because I wanted to be single. Then she told me she was single too, I asked her why she was single and she said she didn't know. We ended up exchanging phone numbers to hang out some time since we live so close to each other, but our conversation made me think a little about the perception of single women, especially since my dear friend and I have been talking about relationships a lot lately.
So I guess I am one of the few people who see absolutely nothing wrong with being a 31 year old happily unmarried female. I am not single because there is a lack of suitors or there is something wrong with me. I am not defective, and I am not crazy just because I don't have a boyfriend. I am single because I want to be single.
I have been EXTREMELY lucky when it comes to love and the men that have loved me. I was in a long-term relationship up until about a year and a half ago and it was filled with understanding, respect, trust, laughter, intellectual conversation, and gobs and gobs of love. He is a truly wonderful person and I love him very dearly, I respect him and his opinion very much. Something was missing though. I can't put my finger on exactly what it is, but something was missing and I knew it. I recognized the void that I felt and once I recognized it, I couldn't stop feeling it. I couldn't force myself to cover it up and no matter how much I love him it was still there. My love for him was not enough to fill this void and my own personal desires for what I want in a partner. So I ended things... and started dating a douche. Dating douchebags is a truly life-changing experience, much like hunting for poisonous snakes in the Amazon. It is a dangerous sport.
So here I am, a year and a half later and single, telling you all why... Why am I telling you? Mostly because I am a woman and I have feelings, no matter what my facade says, but also because I have a bad rap as someone to date. I have been advised not to date certain individuals because they seem "clingy" and I would probably hurt them. This really isn't fair, nor is it accurate.
I have recently decided that I absolutely refuse to settle for anything less than what I want in a partner. I am perfectly and 100% fine with being single; therefore, I do not have to settle on anything. I do not want a mediocre love story or a mediocre man that can not express himself or how he feels about me, I want a "knock my socks off and rock my world" love story. Part of this touches on my lack of faith in higher beings and knowing this is probably my only life. I do not get another chance after this one is expended, so I want this one to be as rad as humanly possible. I do not just want a "suitable" man that will make a good husband and a good father to my children (if I ever decide to have them). Suitable is not good enough, average is not good enough. I need passion. I need adventure. I need love. I need affection. I need the unknown. I am flighty by nature... I thrive on the unknown, I thrive on change.
I want a partner that is willing to go on an adventure through life with me and not be afraid of the unknown. I have not met many men who are like this as of this date. I meet a lot of men who are afraid of being hurt, they are afraid to give their hearts completely to someone else, and instead just coast through life pretending they are happy being playboys and banging a bunch of random women. I am of the opinion that these men probably do not have much to offer a woman so they don't get too close because they know they probably couldn't hold a woman's interest longer than the 45 minutes required in the bedroom. That or there is something wrong with their self-esteem and they need the validation that sleeping around gives a person's ego, and I do not f*ck with boys who have self-esteem issues.
My love for being single has nothing to do with being
able to do what I want when I want, because I do what I want in a
relationship. It isn't about being able to hook up with whoever I want,
because I have discovered that hooking up with randoms really isn't my
thing and I don't get much pleasure from it. I am loving it because I am living my life for me and I am not settling. There are days when I am lonely and I just want to cuddle with someone or lay around in bed all afternoon on a rainy day, enveloped in a man's arms discussing life. I would be lying if I said the feelings of loneliness didn't exist. On days like that, I call a friend and we go do something fun instead.
So here is to all of us not settling when it comes to what we want from the person that we decide to share our life with. To all of you who have found the person to share your life with, the person who brightens your bad days when you see them, who shares your passion, and drives you absolutely bat shit crazy on certain days... congratulations. Do not take them for granted.