Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Pat Benetar Sang It

Love is such a complicated emotion. It is so strong and yet so weak at the same time. I have been thinking about my ability to love and to give myself completely to one person for some time now and I am positive that I have never done it. I am absolutely certain that I have never loved someone with my whole being and given myself to them with everything I have, with the exception of my first love. We all know how that goes though, so it doesn't count.

I am wise enough to know that love is not enough to hold a relationship together... I learned that life lesson the hard way when I was in my early 20's. No matter how much you love a person, it is not enough to stay afloat in a relationship. There are so many other factors that have such a huge impact on the survivability of a relationship in addition to what level of effort you are willing to put in versus the positive gains from that effort.

As I continue to discover every reject and retard hiding in the weeds in my dating adventures, I have to wonder if I will ever meet a person that I will give my undivided attention to and my entire heart, holding nothing back? I know that there is no settling for me in my next relationship on any level. Which I suppose might not be fair to prospective suitors, but this man will be everything in the universe to me because I can't handle the pain and heartache of breaking up with people that I love due to personality conflicts again. This man must have the ESSENTIAL SPARK that I seek and his sense of adventure must parallel my own.This will be no easy feat and I have no confidence at all that he exists, but I am so unwilling these days to deal with the bullshit that comes from dating people that are not truly right for me. 

I see couples who have been together for such a long time and I wonder how much sacrifice has been made on both parts to make that happen and if it is worth it. I don't want things to be difficult, I want free flowing love that comes naturally and easily, filled with laughter, affection, trust, respect,  and adventure. They say that nothing worth doing is easy and that is where I disagree, I want a relationship that comes easily.

Anyone in a long term relationship? How do you do it and not start to feel suffocated and just want to run to the farthest, most remote place just to find yourself again?

Thursday, February 2, 2012

The Resentment of Dreams

"Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly."

~Lanston Hughes

As I am working very hard toward multiple dreams in my life right now, I have to wonder if it is worth it.

Dreams of doing great things, difficult things, things that take a lot of work to accomplish... these dreams have the potential to sap us of our energy and cause resentment toward these dreams. We work so hard toward realizing these dreams, that by the end of it we seem to be hollow and apathetic toward the dream that we just worked incredibly hard for.

Following your dreams is not easy. It requires dedication, hard work, and sacrifice. In return for your blood, sweat, and tears, you are rewarded with a great sense of accomplishment and fulfillment, a sense of pride. Right? I have big dreams, dreams that require a lot of my blood, sweat, and tears... as I get closer to fulfilling dreams and even dreams that I have already fulfilled in the past, I feel overwhelmed and listless. I have no pride in the things I have accomplished thus far. I feel like the work I have put in to doing these things, has sapped me of my ability to feel anything toward them other than relief at being done with the task. They were no longer dreams by the end, they were just tasks that had to be finished because my ambition was telling me they had to be finished.

I feel that the term "follow your dreams" and the joy you are supposed to feel when you have accomplished said dreams, truly only applies to small dreams. Dreams that do not require years of work and years of dedication. I feel those dreams do not bring you joy, I feel that by the end of that chase you resent your dream and your ambition to go after it.

I resent my dreams and my ambition, and yet I don't stop chasing after them... I'm looking for the promised land of fulfillment and contentment, I have yet to find it.